Where to go from here

It's been a long time since I've felt I needed to update this. I guess I just thought I didn't really need to anymore. Although originally this "blog" of mine was suppose to be a little private sanctuary where I could jot down my feelings and no one I know would read about them. Overtime the more people I knew who had this, I added them as friends or I should say "subscribed" to their blogs and I'm sure they subscribed to mine as well. So the privacy aspect has kinda gone out the window. I don't know why I'm blabbing on about this but I guess typing it out can be easier than just saying it. I just feel sad mixed with anxiety, frustration and a bunch of other emotions all wrapping up into something that I feel is crushing me. I've never been this sad in a long long time and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sure a lot of other people have felt the same way as I do so I know I'm not the first, I just never imagined I would have to feel this way in my entire life.

I look back at all the memories when we were happy, sad, laughing, playing, chillin, with friends by ourselves. I thought the world could never touch us. I know I was being naive but I've never felt anything close to what I felt when I was with her and I already know I never will. Well whoever is reading this and wanted to know what exactly happened to make me feel all these emotions, of course it was a girl. Not some random girl though or someone you have been with just to try things out, it's that ONE girl, the one who makes you smile just by saying her name or thinking about her. Thats why I feel devastated, well what can you do when they have doubt in their mind about you. How can you ease their doubt when you've done everything in your power to make them happy but no matter what you do it just doesn't work.

I know I'm not a shitty bf, I've seen shitty bf's. Yet for some reason I'm still fucking up and everything is just spiraling out of control. A lot of stuff is happening to me at once and I find it funny how it always works out that way. We've been together for almost 4 years, thats a fairly long time that's roughly 1460 days. But it hasn't been 4 years yet and I don't know if we will make it as much as I desperately want to. I wanted to do something very special for our 4 year but now I don't know if I'll get that chance. As I'm writing this I wish I could describe how I physcially feel, mentally you get the picture but physically I feel like my heart has sunk into my chest I feel it beating because of the anxiety I feel but I just feel like shit.

There's soo much I still wanted to do with her, I wish I had done it sooner, I wish I could go back in time, I would do anything, ANYTHING to fix EVERYTHING and make it stick, I pray this is not the end....I pray....

7:30am

Well it's about 7:30 in the morning and I'm up all ready for work, I haven't updated xanga for a couple months now just becasue I've forgotten or I've been too busy to have the time. Christmas has just passed and now it's time to get ready for new years. It's always interesting to see how things will turn out in the new year as well as how the year ended things off. I just recently finished my 5th semester for school which means I only have one more to go, I did fairly well 4 A's an A+ and  B which should have been an A but my teacher was prolly messed when he marked my shit so that basically ruins my streak for straight A's which sucks. Anyway aside from that I've recently got a job working at Best Buy for Geek Squad and well it's not too bad for a part time job. I'm not really the type of person who likes to serve customers but if the job calls for it I'm not afraid to get it done. I'm up this ealry because my shift starts today at 8am so I gotta get going in 15 min, which sucks because I've been so used to sleeping in waking up ealry kinda throws off my performance. I also was able to land a job at my school for tutoring students in earlier years of my program for some extra cash. The amazing thing with that job is that it works around mys chool schedule and my current work schedule, my school schedule and I'll never have to work weekends. I don't get as many hours as best buy but the pay is significantly higher, on top of that Best Buy only hired mme as a seasonal employee so if they don't keep me on then I still have this job to back me up.

I've been able to see Allisa a lot lately which has been great I'm always missing her when I can't even see her for a short period of time. I know we have it pretty fortunate as others don't even get to see their bf/gf for weeks. Luckily I get to see her later today and tomorrow as we both have the day off so right now that's whats keeping me going. Shes always been very supportive of me and our relationship feels stronger then ever, no matter what happens I'm making sure I spend the new year with her. On a side note I'm also going to a basketball game on Friday thanks to sifu which will be a great change of pace as my friends and I hae been trying to fin dan opportunity to go to one for a while. Allisa will be coming too although I know shes not a big fan of basketball but I hope she will be able to enjoy herself just the same. I was also able to get my paintball gun finally back after like 4 months of it being repaired, took forever but at least I can now use it again. I was suppose to do a lot of stuff during the break I've had off from school but I'm still in progress of a few chores thatI need to get done before school starts. I wanted to format the laptop Allisa let me borrow so for next semester it will run a bazillion times faster and I also wanted to format my desktop just because the harddrive has been messed up for a long time so a clean start I hope will fix it. The main problem on why I haven't done anything yet is the data on the machines I have to do lots of backups and I'm lazy when it comes to backing shyt up so I guess I need to get an external hardrive or somethign so I could store all this stuff on. Well I gotta get going it's time for work hopefully it's npot freezing or rainign outside as the weather has been on and off this entire week. 

Well I've been extremely busy lately which is why I haven't found the time to update until now, it's tuesday morning and I have to leave for school in a couple of hours. I've been doing alright getting all my labs/assignments handed in on time as well as doing well on my quizzes and tests. I still have a test I have to study for comign up on thursday but I instead took the time to write this becasue this is pretty much the only time i'll get for now.

Thanksgiving is coming up which is going to be good because its a long weekend and that means I get to spend more time with Allisa. All the time we get to spend together doesn't feel long enough, rushed or it's just not the two of us and were not exactly doing what we want to be doing. In other words we always have something to do which of course makes our lives interesting but its good sometimes to just sit back and chill. We need that for an extended period of time because we never have enough of it. For example we have drum practice tonight, so yes we get to see each other but are we really spending that time together or focusing on the activity more. Well whatever it doesn't really matter I'm just happy I get to see her, as I know for a lot of other people they are lucky if they get to see their significant other once a week.

It's finally getting colder and that means winter is not so far away, I dislike the cold it always makes me get sick somehow. Currently I'm looking for a job in my field, but so far no luck, well I just have to keep trying. I think I applied a little late but whatever I don't mind not working means more time to get my school work done and relax but my financial resources are depleting so i have to keep an eye on what I spend my money on, I really have to stop going out so much. I just figure if I do that aren't I missing out on the time that I have now with my friends due to money. Money is something that coems and goes there will always be more but true friends will give you those memories that will stay with you forever. Well that's how I feel anyway. Well I think I've written enough for now I gotta get ready for school and clean myself up for my baby(just woke up).

Update Time

Well I haven't updated for a while now, so I thought it was about time since things are starting to normalize. I've been incredibly busy with school, so many damn projects and tests because its the summer so everything is compressed. I've been seeing my baby as much as I can and sicne the last post things liek normalized between us like in 2 seconds, we were definately not fighting or anythign since the last post, its all old news.

Anywayz been doing pretty good on all my tests and assignments (in other words ace'n them all). Just completed my last test today and all I have to do is work on a few more assignments email them to the etacher and then I just have to focus on exams next week. Luckily I only have 3 exams mon,tue and fri which means I get wed and thurs to just chill and I can never have enough chill time.

I've been going running everyday now for the past couple weeks and its been good I need to get back into shape and loose the freshman 20. Been involved in a lot of kung fu shows whch I really missed doing when I was working 24/7 and thsi friday I get to do one at anight club so thats gonna be fun. This saturday is the taste of teh danforth which i will be headign down too after my baby finishes work, gonna see if I can meet up with some other friends which will be going down there.

Things I want to do but haven't gotten a chance to do liek play paintball I really want to go this year but I just have ahad no tiem and get my game on I haven't been able to do that eitehr becasue of all the work I've had to do, well if I finish my hmwk now that means I will get sometime to play later. So I'm off for now!

Why..